Growing up I always thought forgiveness was easy. I thought I had forgiven those boys. In my mind they were forgiven but not in my heart.

When I started therapy I told my therapist that I had so much anger towards them. I told her that I had forgiven them but I still felt anger towards them. My therapist told me I had not forgiven them. Until I could think about them without anger that’s when I would know I had really forgiven them. She told me that it’s okay to still be angry towards them. She explained that everyone forgives and forgets differently. She mentioned that what is not normal is not feeling anger and trying to forget and pretending everything is okay. Anger is part of the healing process.

In my faith forgiveness is very important and a big role in our religion. I told my therapist that forgiveness is important to me and I wanted to forgive them. She explained more about forgiveness and told me I have to feel it and not just say it because I want to take that weight off my shoulders. It clicked and I realized as much I want to say that i have forgiven them I am still not past that point in healing. I know I myself am not perfect and need to forgive. I also feel that I am working on forgiving them and I am still healing.

The healing process is not easy it has taken me so many years to admit I needed help. Even though I am getting the help I need I am still in pain. I want you to know that it is normal. Some people heal faster than others and for some of us the healing process may be lifelong. Also forgiveness is very important but it’s important to forgive from your heart and not your mind.

When we think of the word “victim” we think of a defenseless person someone who has been hurt. Being the victim is hard it takes so much from you. Being the victim is feeling vulnerable and guilty at the same time.

For so many years I felt vulnerable, alone, and guilty. Guilty for something that was not my fault. In my mind I thought I was the one who was at fault. I would always beat myself up by telling myself “if you would not have taken that candy bribe that would have never happened.” I was always blaming myself for something that was not my fault. When I told this to my therapist she said it was not my fault and would remind me multiple times that I was only four. It took awhile for me to realize that I was so young at the time. How could a four year old girl be at fault. In one of my sessions I took my five year old niece since I was babysitting her and at the end of my session my therapist asked how old she was. I told her she was five years old she then told me to observe how she acts and to understand kids that age are so naive. That clicked in my head I realized there was nothing I could have done to stop it. That helped me free myself from the guilt I had been carrying for years.

Being the victim has taken so much from me. I feel that my peace of mind and innocence was stolen. I cannot be alone without feeling that I am being followed or having to check my back every time I am walking alone. Being a child I always felt unsafe and never knew why. Now as an adult I still feel unsafe and scared. I may never recover that peace I once had.

I no longer feel indefensible or weak as before. I now know I am more than just a vulnerable victim. I have not been able to completely forgotten what happened but I am working on it. For anyone who is still feeling vulnerable and guilty know that it’s not your fault. It’s hard to not feel that guilt that weighs on you but you are not at fault. Unfortunately tragic events happen but don’t let that weigh you down from who you are. Don’t let the guilt weigh down your potential to grow and accomplish your goals. Know that you are not alone the journey gets easier over time. Oddly the more you talk about it the less pain and guilt you feel overtime.

I used to think that the less I thought about that night the less guilt I would feel or no more pain. Instead I was hurting myself more by oppressing it. I was building more pain for myself by not wanting to remember that night. It is still hard to talk about it or think about it but I don’t feel ashamed anymore because I have nothing to be ashamed of. As the victim we tend to blame ourselves when we are not at blame. I’m thankful I have the opportunity to share this with others, I feel like by writing about my feelings I am also healing and helping other people.

When I was four years old my family and I attended a family party. At that party I was molested by four teenage boys. One of the boys that took me to them was my nine year old cousin. I vaguely remember exactly what happened to me. I just remember being bribed with candy into going to the bathroom shower with another girl around my age while these boys did things to us. I remember my parents devastation and anger when they found me scared and alone.

I remember going to a child psychologist a few days after that traumatic event. As the years went on I moved on and did not remember anything from that day. Until one night when I was seventeen I had a very vivid dream of what happened to me at age four. I remember screaming and crying telling myself it was all just a nightmare. My parents rushed to my room and asked me if I was okay. I told them about the awful dream I had. Both of my parents looked at each other with a worried looks on their faces. They explained to me it was not a dream and it was real. I cried and could not believe that my awful nightmare was actually real. The flashbacks kept coming almost daily. I felt so lonely and vulnerable.

I used to think that overtime I would forget what happened to me and be able to move on with my life. The phrase “time heals everything” is not always true. In my mind time would heal me if I forgot about what happened to me. Three years later I was twenty years old and those memories came back and I felt so vulnerable again and angry. Angry that had happened to me and I would often ask myself “why did it have to happen to me?” “Why were we at that party?” All these questions that I could not answer for myself. I did the same thing I did three years back and told myself the same lie that time would heal me. I repressed the flash backs and just told myself it never happened to me. As every year went by I would still fight those thoughts and flashbacks. I would cry with so much anger as the flash backs would come but tell myself I was fine. I got married in 2016 and I was so scared to tell my husband what had happened to me. I was scared about my wedding night and how I would tell my husband I was afraid and the flashbacks would not stop coming. My husband was very understanding and loving about the situation.

Last year I started to see a physical therapist for some things I was going through. I had shared with my physical therapist what happened to me as a child. She suggested I see a therapist. My first thought was ” I don’t need a therapist I am fine time will heal me.” She kept explaining how it would heal me in so many ways. She gave me a business card of a sex therapist and said she could help me. When I heard the term sex therapist I thought that was even more crazy. I decided to give her a call and see what she could do for me. I had a chat with her for about twenty minutes and she said something that made me want to get help. She said “many people think time will heal them but in reality time makes things worse and makes them more vulnerable.” That clicked and I realized she was right. Time was making it worse I was not healing I was in more pain. I was hurt and had so much anger inside. I started my therapy sessions and the first sessions were rough. I cried with so much emotion and with so much anger. Each session felt like I was opening Pandora’s box. I started remember more things and feeling so many emotions by talking about it. Therapy also felt torturous every session my therapist would tell me to remember things from that night. I would cry and did not want to remember anything. Strangely when I would talk about it I felt better each session. I was still in pain but it felt good to finally talk about it without feeling judged.

Throughout this blog I will be sharing what steps have helped me heal. I am still healing and would like to help anyone who has gone through a similar situation and know you are not alone.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton