When we think of the word “victim” we think of a defenseless person someone who has been hurt. Being the victim is hard it takes so much from you. Being the victim is feeling vulnerable and guilty at the same time.
For so many years I felt vulnerable, alone, and guilty. Guilty for something that was not my fault. In my mind I thought I was the one who was at fault. I would always beat myself up by telling myself “if you would not have taken that candy bribe that would have never happened.” I was always blaming myself for something that was not my fault. When I told this to my therapist she said it was not my fault and would remind me multiple times that I was only four. It took awhile for me to realize that I was so young at the time. How could a four year old girl be at fault. In one of my sessions I took my five year old niece since I was babysitting her and at the end of my session my therapist asked how old she was. I told her she was five years old she then told me to observe how she acts and to understand kids that age are so naive. That clicked in my head I realized there was nothing I could have done to stop it. That helped me free myself from the guilt I had been carrying for years.
Being the victim has taken so much from me. I feel that my peace of mind and innocence was stolen. I cannot be alone without feeling that I am being followed or having to check my back every time I am walking alone. Being a child I always felt unsafe and never knew why. Now as an adult I still feel unsafe and scared. I may never recover that peace I once had.
I no longer feel indefensible or weak as before. I now know I am more than just a vulnerable victim. I have not been able to completely forgotten what happened but I am working on it. For anyone who is still feeling vulnerable and guilty know that it’s not your fault. It’s hard to not feel that guilt that weighs on you but you are not at fault. Unfortunately tragic events happen but don’t let that weigh you down from who you are. Don’t let the guilt weigh down your potential to grow and accomplish your goals. Know that you are not alone the journey gets easier over time. Oddly the more you talk about it the less pain and guilt you feel overtime.
I used to think that the less I thought about that night the less guilt I would feel or no more pain. Instead I was hurting myself more by oppressing it. I was building more pain for myself by not wanting to remember that night. It is still hard to talk about it or think about it but I don’t feel ashamed anymore because I have nothing to be ashamed of. As the victim we tend to blame ourselves when we are not at blame. I’m thankful I have the opportunity to share this with others, I feel like by writing about my feelings I am also healing and helping other people.
Anas blog 