When I was four years old my family and I attended a family party. At that party I was molested by four teenage boys. One of the boys that took me to them was my nine year old cousin. I vaguely remember exactly what happened to me. I just remember being bribed with candy into going to the bathroom shower with another girl around my age while these boys did things to us. I remember my parents devastation and anger when they found me scared and alone.
I remember going to a child psychologist a few days after that traumatic event. As the years went on I moved on and did not remember anything from that day. Until one night when I was seventeen I had a very vivid dream of what happened to me at age four. I remember screaming and crying telling myself it was all just a nightmare. My parents rushed to my room and asked me if I was okay. I told them about the awful dream I had. Both of my parents looked at each other with a worried looks on their faces. They explained to me it was not a dream and it was real. I cried and could not believe that my awful nightmare was actually real. The flashbacks kept coming almost daily. I felt so lonely and vulnerable.
I used to think that overtime I would forget what happened to me and be able to move on with my life. The phrase “time heals everything” is not always true. In my mind time would heal me if I forgot about what happened to me. Three years later I was twenty years old and those memories came back and I felt so vulnerable again and angry. Angry that had happened to me and I would often ask myself “why did it have to happen to me?” “Why were we at that party?” All these questions that I could not answer for myself. I did the same thing I did three years back and told myself the same lie that time would heal me. I repressed the flash backs and just told myself it never happened to me. As every year went by I would still fight those thoughts and flashbacks. I would cry with so much anger as the flash backs would come but tell myself I was fine. I got married in 2016 and I was so scared to tell my husband what had happened to me. I was scared about my wedding night and how I would tell my husband I was afraid and the flashbacks would not stop coming. My husband was very understanding and loving about the situation.
Last year I started to see a physical therapist for some things I was going through. I had shared with my physical therapist what happened to me as a child. She suggested I see a therapist. My first thought was ” I don’t need a therapist I am fine time will heal me.” She kept explaining how it would heal me in so many ways. She gave me a business card of a sex therapist and said she could help me. When I heard the term sex therapist I thought that was even more crazy. I decided to give her a call and see what she could do for me. I had a chat with her for about twenty minutes and she said something that made me want to get help. She said “many people think time will heal them but in reality time makes things worse and makes them more vulnerable.” That clicked and I realized she was right. Time was making it worse I was not healing I was in more pain. I was hurt and had so much anger inside. I started my therapy sessions and the first sessions were rough. I cried with so much emotion and with so much anger. Each session felt like I was opening Pandora’s box. I started remember more things and feeling so many emotions by talking about it. Therapy also felt torturous every session my therapist would tell me to remember things from that night. I would cry and did not want to remember anything. Strangely when I would talk about it I felt better each session. I was still in pain but it felt good to finally talk about it without feeling judged.
Throughout this blog I will be sharing what steps have helped me heal. I am still healing and would like to help anyone who has gone through a similar situation and know you are not alone.
Anas blog 